Dear xxxx,

Don’t worry about me. I’m not lonely, not looking for warmth. Not looking for you to miss me.

Why?

The feeling comes and goes.

I’ll find love in someone else.

Dear xxxx,

The “natural” course of things. How do you progress with someone who wants no relationship? Other than to expect nothing but a nice friendship in the end.

It’s all risk. Awful, painstaking, scary risk. Neither of you are ready, but love tells you otherwise. In the far distant future, is it going to be worth it?

Somewhere, it’s seems so much easier to do the courting dance with a completely different and new person. There is no slate. But there isn’t the deep love and pride you have for each other yet, either.

What do you do?

Dear xxxx,

Right now, you’re somewhere with her laughing and having a good time like nothing ever happened. I hate her. I could never forgive her or accept what she has to say. And could you? Temporary solution to a more serious problem. You thought of me? Then you should of hadme. She doesn’t deserve what she has now. You don’t love someone if your attitude is, “if she can, I can.”

And you.You. That was the most disgusting I ever saw you. Clearly, you weren’t thinking when you did it. And I understand why your friend would be more upset with you than her. Because really, of the two, how could you? We expected better from you.

I expected within any group of friends, no one would ever fuck with another’s history and jeopardize everything else. ‘Oh, but it was her decision, and her lead.’ You also disgust me. Since as long as I knew your name, you never struck me as someone with morals. Values. With respect. Consideration. Only for yourself.

I hope she breaks your heart. Then it won’t be so “whatever goes” with you.

As for you. I think you deserve to have lost a friendship over her. To have lost me over her. Was it worth it? Even without me in the “official” picture—was she worth it?

It doesn’t make it any better that you realized you were wrong, and that you shouldn’t of jumped back into a relationship with me. That didn’t and still doesn’t make that mistake hurt any less for me. That friend you lost—she was yourfriend. And I was yourgirlfriend. Of courseshe would distance herself from you for fooling around with thelove of her life.

You should have known better.

Dear xxxx,

Do you remember the first weekend of December?

“it was the strangest feeling to take this step & suddenly have you come to me. sweetly, as if nothing bad had come between us since may. i told no one what i chose to do at first. i reminded myself daily that this was important. that if you had the right for half a year to separate, so did i. gentle conversations, nightly love songs. why were you doing this? i had grown accustomed to being alone. i put my son before me & only thought of what he would want. i didn’t want a relationship anymore. a marriage, a union. i wanted nothing to do with love, because i had it right here with me in every waking moment.

i branched out. i did feel lonely easily. i wanted to make friends.. what i found wasn’t planned. but you thought so. you always question the genuinity of my actions, don’t you? i suppose i do to you, too. my attitude became “come what may”. you know how hard it was to accept that into my life after you? i never wanted to let you go. it was like a slap in the face whenever i remained beside you & someone else fed your heart. i couldn’t take it. i couldn’t give you my body anymore. i was a blind fool.

you confused me. i knew my place but your actions confused me. i had to do my best not to question your intentions & take what i saw for what it simply was; innocent. i gave you the benefit in the doubt when in my heart, it was so frustrated. it wanted you to just explain.

i never, ever would have thought i’d like someone else. moreso who did back. never. however harsh it sounds, i accepted being alone for the rest of my life for my age—& with a kid. i just couldn’t see anything working past a sexual relationship. that was alright with me, though it hurt. when that started to change.. i.. was in so much disbelief. i couldn’t fathom another cycle of the same thing for the past 3 years. when you found out i had let that go & let someone else in, i could see the judgement in your eyes. calm, cat-like. i felt like a shady housewife being pulled aside from her temperamental husband for questioning. i was so scared, i laughed at everything. confessions, boundaries at stake. when you blew up a storm later that night it was absolutely unexpected.. all i remember was you putting your foot down in may & setting a boundary between us. that night was different. you were so broken & angry & malicious. despite what you thought, no, i wasn’t proud of being the only one to extract this kind of reaction from you.

as always, i did know i was the only on who could comfort you. i went to see you, i needed to know you weren’t going to do something stupid. your eyes were like daggers. i couldn’t hug you. i couldn’t make you see the peace i felt. we decided on dinner & you asked if i would mind you drinking. it touched me you were willing enough to respect & ask. of course you wanted to down your pain away.. you laughed, doubting i could handle sake. so i joined.. you looked so much happier. it felt like my mission was accomplished. i was expecting to go & know you were alright. but you got quiet..looked at me with that evil grin. suggested we grab a hotel room for the second time after i dismissed you. honestly, i couldn’t take you seriously on it. i wanted ice cream. you pushed the idea again, justifying we go out with a bang. the sake made me so warm & care-free, nothing sounded nicer than laughing the night away with you. we were like two high school lovers, the uptight meeting the rebel. we left the restaurant, called an inn & reserved our stay for the night. so spontaneous. it felt so good to be bad with you.

the rest of the night was sort of a blur. you spoiled me, i clung to you, again, as if nothing. the sake wore off. we were content. the bed & breakfast inn was cozy; perfect. you knew just what i liked & i loved it. there was a little buddha & glow-in-the-dark paintings that hinted we belonged here. the run up the 4 flights of stairs was like a game of tag. our room was small, but quaint. there was no bottle-opener—the wine bottle we bought earlier was for nothing. your arms slinking around my waist as i took off my coat made me shy. if there was anyone i could be bad with, it was you. regardless i was shy around you. kissing you & touching you was like sucking the air out my lungs. i wanted you so bad, but i didn’t want to rush it either. we had all night. it was comforting just to kick back & relax. i imagined for a brief second if this was our apartment, our kids lingering around as we spent time together as a family. it felt so natural. holding you while you drifted to sleep during a movie, seeing you were safe. all these small things made any previous problems vanish.

when we awoke it was like a dream. you were so perfect & cute. gentle, calm. peaceful.”

Was it really guilt? Or Love?

Tell me I’m a fool for Love.

Dear xxxx,

Pretend it’s a vacation, she says. Have faith she will come back. And if she doesn’t, she doesn’t. But she left behind a nice girl. Good luck finding another one.

I don’t know how to feel. The reality of the situation overwhelmes me sometimes. Sometimes, i’m so good. I’m invested in what I’m up to. Then it feels so nice and the phone is right there. Call her, your heart says. Call her and tell her about this feeling! Call her, share it. Love it.

Don’t call her, says your head. She knows, she’ll know. Tell her later. Don’t fuck it up.

Dear xxxx,

I love the way your hair always smells the same. And it’s intoxicating.
I love how no matter what I feel like you’ve got my back.
I love how protective you are of me.
I love how you try to make me happy, even if you’re nervous.
I love the shape of your eyes, especially when you smile.
I love your teeth, they’re perfect.
I love your kitty, she always tastes good. (Yeah, I said it.)
I love the warmth of your neck.
I love the fact that when I was stressed out about going home to Reno, that I closed my eyes and knew that at least, for that moment, I’d be going home to your arms.
I love that sounds you make (happiness) when I come in through the front door. I want to hear it everyday.
I love when you get angry at me for trying to help you cook.
I love how maternal you are and how much I want to help you with that.
I love the idea of Cera and Julian. I love that museum.
I love that when you stop meowing and actually respond to my compliments (like an adult) - it actually validates them.
I love when you stop being scared and you do something - you’re really powerful to watch.
I love the way my body fits up to yours when we sleep.
I even love your toots. (don’t abuse that.)
I love the sight of your name. It’s like I’ve seen it all my life.
I love how eager you are to embrace my inner-boy. I’ve never had that feeling before.
I love how easily you cry - only because I think it’s cute and I like consoling you.
I love how traditional you are.
I do love when you scold me  - but only when I can tell that it’s not some deep-rooted issue you have with me.
I loved the feeling of being with you in Reno. I loved that feeling that it was just you and I in the world.
I love the feel of your lips.
I love the idea of you having my children.
I love the idea that I’ll have Colombian kids one day.
I love you.

Dear xxxx,

If I had known that kiss would relieve us of our tension
and remind us of our love for each other
I would have stopped fighting fate.